


It Was Always Him

by spiritcrimson



Category: Death Note
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-14
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-04-14 16:35:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4571736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiritcrimson/pseuds/spiritcrimson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Near has always felt everything, whether it’s happiness or sadness, anger and contempt, even quite possibly, a small feeling of desire, Near has felt everything. He's just never known how to show it, until he finally does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Was Always Him

**Author's Note:**

> So, while I worked on the next chapter of my AU fic, I decided to write this, because I've been dying to write some angst, and at the same time, I've always wanted to try and write my own interpretation of Near, so with the right music, I thought, why not? It's one more Mello/Near fic added to the list, right? Anyway, this is my personal interpretation. Here goes. Feedback is welcome :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Death Note does not belong to me.

* * *

 

Near does not know how to grieve.

He simply nods his head when he hears Hal on the other line, when he hears those words she utters, her voice catching: _Mello’s dead_.

“That’s unfortunate”, is all he can think to say. It isn’t a lie, of course. There’s no emotion in his voice, just merely a fact that he states. Gevanni and Rester do not question the lack of empathy in his voice. They think it’s to be expected, because Mello was, after all, Near’s rival. They don’t think Near should mourn Mello’s loss, because it was just days before that Mello had a gun pointed at him, threatening to kill. Mello would probably have done it, too, they believe that. Near doesn’t, but they don’t know that. Near knew Mello wouldn’t shoot, because that would mean Mello didn’t get to win against Near, and Near knows Mello would not tolerate that.

Mello’s victory would mean nothing if Near wasn’t around to witness it. For Mello, the competition has always been worth more, apparently, worth more than his own life.

 _Stupid_ , Near tells himself, _he’s so stupid_. Near feels an uncontrollable urge to act out, to somehow find an outlet for the things he’s feelings. He doesn’t know how to, though. He isn’t sure how you’re supposed to act when you’ve been told your rival is dead. _Mello’s not my rival_ , Near has to correct himself. _I was his rival_ , _he wasn’t mine_. He settles for picking up another one of his robots and snaps the head off. That just makes him feel worse.

Rester and Gevanni say nothing as Near proceeds to break another one of his toys. They aren’t sure what to make of it. They decide to leave Near to whatever it is he’s doing. Near’s grateful for it.

* * *

 

Near never had too many memories of his life before Wammy’s. It was for the best, he’d reason. He didn’t need to remember, because what purpose would such memories serve? They’d only make him think of times, of a life, he couldn’t possibly have again. There is no point to remembering things that are best left forgotten.

That said, he always remembers those words, whispered to him between sobs. He can’t seem to place the face behind those words, but the words itself, never quite left him. ‘ _Nate, no matter what, never let anyone know how you feel. You need to keep things to yourself, Nate. The World is cruel, and no one truly cares, no one cares about your feelings. Everyone only cares about themselves. Be smart, Nate. Be strong. Feel, feel everything you have to, but never show anyone._ ’

Feel.

Near has always felt everything, whether it’s happiness or sadness, anger and contempt, even quite possibly, a small feeling of desire, Near has felt everything a normal child his age ought to feel. However, unlike others, Near has never quite learnt how to express these feelings, so he prefers not to. He doesn’t like doing something he doesn’t know how to, after all. He’s always blank, and it leaves numerous people frustrated, and some even call him ‘robotic’, but even if Near minds, he doesn’t show it.

He doesn’t know how to, after all.

-x-

The only times Near ever came close to expressing his feelings, the cause had been Mello. Mello, with his blond hair and piercing blue eyes and Mello, who was always so full of life, and Mello who felt, and he felt so much that it surprised Near. Did no one ever tell Mello, that showing emotions is a weakness? Was he never told those whispered words, that so often accompanied broken sobs, that the world is out to get you, that you shouldn’t take so much liberty with showing people how you feel, that all people will ever do is take advantage?

Yet, he always found himself admiring the blond for that very thing. He liked the raw emotion that Mello seemed to possess, he liked it a lot. He wanted to somehow be like Mello, unafraid of the world, unafraid to show people how he feels, unafraid to show _Mello_ how he feels about him.

Mello was unafraid, however. He could show Near exactly how he felt, what he felt. And what Mello felt for Near was contempt, and time and time again, at the Orphanage, where they’ve spent their entire childhood, Mello never failed to remind Near of it.

“I hate you, Near,” He’d say and Near had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from showing Mello how that affected him. _But I like you, Mello_ , Near always wanted to say. But he never did, of course. He simply stared blankly in response, nodded his head, and walked away. He could always feel Mello glare at him, that how dare Near simply brush him off, how dare Near not tell Mello that he hates him too. 

-x-

When Near and Mello learnt of L’s death, Near’s reaction was simply to put another piece of the puzzle in its designated spot. Within, he could feel his heart drop, he could feel the sadness. He’d lost his idol, he should be upset. And he was, oh, he was upset. But Near didn’t know how to show that. He simply placed another piece of his puzzle in its spot.

Near noticed Mello’s outburst, however. He noticed the way Mello’s eyes, his beautiful blue eyes that always ever looked at him with contempt, widened in disbelief. He saw the way Mello’s fists clenched to his sides, the grief and pain evident on his face. He saw Mello lunge forward, asking—no, _demanding_ —that Roger repeat himself, that he take back what he said.

“He promised me! He promised me Kira’s head!” Near heard Mello’s anguish clearly, the same anguish he’d seemed to be feeling within the confines of his own being. Near simply watched. His puzzle was complete, no pieces to be put together. He lifted it, tilting it, letting the pieces fall to the ground. Start over.

He felt Mello’s gaze on him, he was sure of the contempt in his eyes. Near didn’t even have to look at Mello to see it. He could feel it. “If you can’t win the game, if you can’t solve the puzzle, you’re just a loser.” His words came out harsh, Near knew. He could feel Mello’s hatred for him growing. He always hoped Mello would see, that this was Near’s way of expressing his sadness. He just never knew the right way. He always knew people were supposed to cry when someone they admired died, but Near wasn’t like the rest. He couldn’t bring himself to cry.

He decided to let Mello do that for him. Mello would grieve for the both of them, because Mello was better at it than Near, and Near had no shame in admitting to that, even if the only one he ever admitted it to was himself.

For this moment, Mello would be Near’s outlet, even if Mello wasn’t aware of it, and he’d later go on to call Near ‘ _an emotionless robot who couldn’t give two fucks about anyone_.’ 

* * *

 

When Near sits in the warehouse, confronting Light Yagami, informing him of Mello’s contribution in his victory and Kira’s loss, he cannot help but stutter just the slightest. _It figures_ , he thinks, _the only ever times I’ve slipped and it’s always because of Mello_. Gevanni, Hal and Rester, he knows, are watching him. They don’t know why Near’s fumbling, because when has Near ever fumbled before? Of course, Near knows the answer to that, but they don’t. If they had to know the answer to it, they’d have to look into Near’s memories, to see the number of times Near has almost lost his composure because of Mello. But they don’t, and Near’s glad about it.

Light Yagami confesses, and Near finally knows he’s won. He feels no joy in his victory, however. How can he? Yes, he’s achieved his vengeance, vengeance he’d promised to get for the sake of his deceased idol. But there’s something off, and Near cannot immediately place it. He realizes, a moment later, that of course, it’s Mello. It’s always Mello. Mello’s absence is what stops him from feeling the joy and satisfaction he’s supposed to be feeling.

In his head, Mello was supposed to be here, rubbing Kira’s defeat in his face while Near sat, watching. It was supposed to be Mello, because Mello was Near’s outlet, and he wasn’t here. So Near simply settles for a simple “Light Yagami, Kira, you’ve lost.” It’s a defining moment for him, for Mello, for L, so Near makes sure Light Yagami can feel his own bitter failure. He makes sure his voice is cold, piercing, driving home the feeling of complete failure into Kira’s mind. He’ll settle for nothing less. He knows that’s what Mello would’ve done, if he was here. He’d probably have a few more choice words for Kira, but Near doesn’t think he can go quite that far, yet.

 _Mello, we’ve both won_ , Near thinks to himself, because it’s true, and naively he wishes for Mello to somehow hear it.  

**

Mello doesn’t get a funeral, there isn’t even a corpse for Near to bury. He still needs to bury something in memory of Mello, though. He wishes he still had Mello’s photo, because that would have been ideal, but he knows that’s not a possibility. Mello’s photo is gone, just like Mello himself. He settles for burying Mello’s finger puppet that he has so meticulously created. It hurts for him to part with it, but he knows he can always create another, because it’s not like he can ever forget what Mello looks like. He doesn’t think that’s even a possibility.

He makes Rester, Hal and Gevanni take the finger puppet from him, telling them to bury it where L has been buried, where the Japanese Task Force buried his— _their_ — idol. He knows Mello deserves nothing less than that. Rester takes the puppet from Near and follows Gevanni outside.

Hal lingers behind, a look of understanding on her face. “Don’t you want to hold on to that puppet, Near?” She asks. Near shakes his head and Hal nods. She doesn’t think Gevanni and Rester realize it, but she realizes it. “You’ll make another one, won’t you?”

Near doesn’t answer her. He doesn’t need to, because he gets the feeling that she understands. She’s about to leave when Near stops her, his voice soft, “Could you bring me a bar of chocolate?”

Near sees the small smile crossing Hal’s face and he has to wonder, if there’s something she seems to be catching on, that he has missed. He doesn’t think so.

“Which brand?” Hal asks, her smile widening. There’s a look of understanding written on her face, and once again, Near wonders what it is that she seems to be seeing.

Near names the brand and Hal nods. Instead of leaving, however, Hal walks up to him and kneels down, her face on level with his. She reaches out and cups his face in her hands. “Near,” she says softly, “It’s okay to feel sad. You’re allowed to grieve, you’re allowed to cry.”

Before Near can even ponder on her statement, Hal stands up and leaves the headquarters, leaving Near alone in the room, trying to figure out just what she’s implying. Near never cries. He never cried when he hurt himself, or when he learnt of L’s death, even when it hurt him emotionally or physically, he never cried. He didn’t know how to.

But then he feels the sting of tears in his eyes, not quite falling, yet unmistakably there, and he has to wonder. He’s never known how to express his sadness or his grief, so how is it that he’s crying now?

The answer comes to him almost instantly.

_Of course, it’s because of Mello. It’s always Mello._


End file.
